Every night at four
I startle awake,
like a doe sensing danger in the forest of my dreams.
Trees come up to charge me,
transform before my eyes
to endless reams of paper
unleashing lists in the dark:
invoices, accounting, due dates.
All their screeching pleas
reproachful looks
mouths gaping with urgency
like babes unfed.
How can I divide myself in enough parts to please them all?
I’ve read all the books
on expanding my brain and ensuring eternal happiness.
I breathe deeply and visualise,
think of colours, tastes and smells,
let my limbs grow lank and sleepy,
start leaving tasks in each room of my memory mansion
but never get beyond the ground floor.
Then I panic
breathing shallow
heart flutters that extra wriggle
which tightens my abdomen.
I rush again and again through identical rooms
circling like an inept crow.
Too much to know
take in, remember,
too much to search, gather, understand.
Too much choice
yet nothing is new under the sun.
Nothing captures me, nothing remains.
Tomorrow the novelty will be submerged in fresh newness.
My voice surely too will drown in all that noise.
The fractal geometry of our lives
the ruthlessness of passing,
I feel maimed
dislocated from images and sounds.
Fragility poises for bare second on my finger
Then butterflies off
To a world of vulnerable memories.
My pain is not depth but the shallowness and width.
Oh my god, I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there, and keep calm. I won’t give any other advice because… as a fellow insomniac, I know exactly how annoying it is when somebody says, “Why, have you tried….?” And I want to say, “?!$£**””!!!???!” Thinking of you, and love the imagery in your poem. XX
Thanks for your sympathy! I loved your blog about writing in the dark, but have to admit I don’t think I could do that.
Bless you! Comes from years of practice; and don’t forget, my bedroom isn’t pitch dark!! Anyway–I recently blogged about insomnia, too. I called my featured ‘Confessions of an insomniac’–here’s a link if you want to check it out… http://alchemyofscrawl.wordpress.com/2012/02/08/guest-post-by-nicky-wells-author-of-sophes-turn/
You take care now! xx
“Too much choice” – Indeed! I take 5-10 minutes EVERy time in 7-eleven to select a drink. That’s not right!
“The fractal geometry of our lives” – Excellent phrase!
~ Regards, Dan